1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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