Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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