Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
