Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
