Pappa wants mamma naked
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
