Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
