Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
