I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
