He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
