1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
