I'm going to jail i love you
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
