so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
