The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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