Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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