if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
