i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
