My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
