yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
