Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
