last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
