mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
