I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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