I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
