I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
