I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
