My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
