can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
