I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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