Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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