Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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