How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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