I like my sex mixed with concussions.
my shit smells like andre
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
