Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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