If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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