Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
