Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
