Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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