Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
