I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It's just like the Real World with babies
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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