I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
