You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize