I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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