my vag is so smooth its legendary
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
