Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
