I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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