It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
