You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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