i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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