I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
