I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
