I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
