peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
