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my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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