I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
