So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
