Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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