Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
