Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
