Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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