I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
