Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
