She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
