so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
